for the love of summer

once summer passes will life be the same?

i worry too often. i worry too much. There's just something inside me that just makes me wonder. honestly, i'm afraid. it is a big deal to me. i'm afraid of losing the ones i've grown so close to in the last couple years. people say "friends come and go" but what if i don't want you to leave? i know i may seem distant this summer season, but i am still here. it's just been difficult although you may never understand. i'll be back soon enough, but i might be a little too late.



then it always comes down to you and me. you tell me constantly, "don't worry i will always love you." And i believe you, but what if we let life run it's course and out of nowhere a gust of wind blows and a damsel in distress lands in your hands. What happens then? Will you push her away, or will you let her in. i've learned to be cautious and that is what i am. you may think i'm irrational now, but wait and see. It's best to here the "it could happens" rather than just being hit out of nowhere. it will all work out.

then i look deeper into the future. i try to imagine us long term. i do this to make sure it's worth it. and i do see us. i know i sound immature and unrealistic but knowing myself, knowing us, i believe. maybe it's the way i was raised. maybe it's the way you were. i grew up in a broken family. i learned to not let anything less than worthy into my life. hah you may laugh, but i believe all that has come and gone in my life has molded me and strengthened me. you were raised in that homely family. you learned to have it honest and real.

i'm excited for our love to grow, but i'm afraid of the lightning the future brings. what if you end up leaving, would i follow or would i stay? i'd like to think i'd follow but a part of me needs to stay. most of me wishes you would never leave in the first place. but i can't be selfish. if it's your destiny then let it be. i try to supress these thoughts but they never seem to leave my mind. i know that it'll be years from now but i can't help but think. if you leave would you come back, or will i forever regret it.

i wish i never had a plan. i wish i didn't have a dream. i wish i could just let life sweep me off my feet, but i do have a plan and i do have a dream. within those plans and dreams you are my forever someone, my prince. without you my plans would be incomplete, but i don't think i'm capable of giving up all the rest. i wished for a stable life. i wished to have a complete home unlike that i have right now. but would i have that if you always were gone? i wished i wouldn't have to be independent because for the past 18 years of my life i have been. my mom and i both were and i learned from the best, but i've always hoped to not be alone. i wish for a home of 18 years. i want my children to have that single place they grew up in with childhood lifelong friends and a place they will always call home. i wish for a career helping others through medicine but would that interfere? i wish for a husband i could fall asleep to every night with the comfort of knowing he'll be there the next morning and the upcoming evening. i guess i'm wishing for a change. i'm wishing for the priviledges my mother never had. and i want them to make her proud. i want them for me. i know i deserve it, but i want you in so bad.

it's too early to tell where life will take us, but i know i will always love you. i promised. forever and always. and for now lets say, if you leave, i'll follow... but not alone, with all the important things in my life and one of the most important people. you'll understand.